Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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