I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
