I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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