I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
His hands were made for my vagina.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
