if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
