so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Welp...herpes.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
