I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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