I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
