I don't usually arrange sex via text message
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
