Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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