Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
