the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
accomplished twins. life is a go
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
