I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
