Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
