So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
