I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
