Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
