And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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