my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
