Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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