Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
