I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
