I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize