apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
