Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
