I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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