from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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