So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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