Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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