i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Randomize
