and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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