Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
