I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
