My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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