ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
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My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
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At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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