Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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