He kissed a someone with a penis
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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