God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
