I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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