do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
