im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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