Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
