i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
