OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
