i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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