Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
