you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Ladies don't puke and tell
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
