and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
