A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
