i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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