I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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