the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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