I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
