i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
